michaelclair:

I’m having an etiquette problem at work, specifically with the bathroom. To help illustrate my point, I’ve drawn up a rough floor plan for the men’s room. The problem is that there are two urinals, but one is for a man of average height and the other is of a height that befits only a boy or magical dwarf.

When I enter the bathroom and a man is currently peeing at the urinal designed for an adult, I’m confronted with four options. They are:

1. Pee in the little boy’s urinal as if I do things like that all the time and prefer it.
2. Pee in either stall one or stall two.
3. Pee in the handicapped stall.
4. Pretend to be really interested in grooming until the man finishes peeing and I suddenly remember that I should use my time wisely and take a piss since I’m in the bathroom anyways.

Now then, I obviously can’t use the handicapped stall because I’m not handicapped. And though the chances are slim, there is always a possibility that a handicapped person would need to use that stall and it would be an even more awkward situation.

And I also could never get away with the “look in the mirror and preen” method because most people assume I was raised in the wilderness and own no mirrors in my home.

That leaves me with two options. I can either pee in the little boy urinal or pee in the stalls.

If I pee in the stall, the other man has won. I’m clearly ashamed of myself and cannot match his manliness. It marks me as the type of man who needs to pee in secret, with the door closed and the lights off. He can return to his desk a champion in the daily mating ritual while I must place my penis between my legs.

However, if I choose to pee in the little urinal, I might break the spacial code of the restroom. This is like in a movie theater. When there are plenty of open seats, it’s not acceptable to sit next to a stranger. At the same time, if I pee here I’ve lost the game of manliness as well. As I squat down to the little urinal, wiener in hand, I will be throwing away any dignity or self respect.. I am not a man, I am a child who doesn’t deserve to pee where real men do.

I guess the only legitimate option I have is to just wizz all over everything in the bathroom while screaming, “How do you like me now?” Or become a powerful business executive and get one of those fancy private washrooms.

These are the important issues! Why do we ignore them!